It's a Swirl!

Today, Year of our Lord, November 12, 2005, at 0316 hrs, my sister, Grace Midwinter, gave birth to a 7 lbs 3 oz girl. Her name is Cloe Ava Midwinter, and I'm her uncle. IN YO FACE, FOOL!

"Grace said it's your turn now, Neil." my mom told me.

"My turn?"

"To multiply."

Yeah, I'll get right on that. I think I need to take a few more steps before I can make babies, don't I?

Sometimes, I feel like this guy...

So I went to the big AIA thing tonight. Kinda got suckered into it. I really didn't want to go, but I felt that God was calling me to go, that He might have something to teach me. And boy, He sure did...

I'm really thankful that there are a handful of brave souls that are willing to stick their necks out and sell programs with some guy's testimony written in it and sell DVD's with his biography in it... but what about our testimonies? Our stories? I never told anybody this, but I didn't stop attending CCC because I was too busy, or even because of my other lame excuse that I'm too lazy to make new friends. In fact, I love to meet new people. To be completely honest, I stopped going because the way CCC does ministry is totally not my style. I can't just get into somebody's face and start telling them about Jesus and how He wants to change them. It's so obnoxious, so intrusive, so... impersonal. Jesus never did ministry like that. He always took the time to listen to people, to eat with them - which in those days were a big deal. Imagine having dinner with royalty, that's how it was. People were so ashamed that Jesus, the coolest guy on earth, wanted to sit at the same table with them. But I digress.

I think that if Jesus came here today, we'd have the same scene of him clearing the temple all pissed off. We've been doing it all wrong. No amount of organizing or programming can compare to the love of God. It's not up to us to save souls, Only God's mercy alone can do that. All that God commands us to do is to love one another, and that doesn't take a whole lot of effort when you realize that you're not responsible for the salvation of others. Indeed, tonight has only reaffirmed what I've been feeling deep down inside my heart, thinking in the back of my head, and helped me to form my own type of ministry. One that's based on relationships. A friendship goes deeper than any retarded tract, novel, movie, or magazine. I've seen it on all the faces that I have met.

It is my prayer that I will be a blessing to those around me and to everyone I meet. This will only serve as the catalyst to something greater, something new.

"To penguins." -Tony, the beat poet, as he raised his glass.

Starring: Me

I know I haven't posted in a while. It's not that I've been too busy, I just had nothing to say. It seems as though there's been a rash of unoriginality in the blogosphere lately. All this "tag you're it, fill out this survey" crap. I haven't been tagged. Am I bitter? No, that's what I get for leaving Xanga... Thank God. So instead of continuing the unoriginality, I'm going to steal somebody else's idea (huh?).

I always imagined my life as a movie. Writer, producer, director, main character. Have you ever wondered what the soundtrack to your life would be? Here's mine:

Opening Credits: Seishun Kyousoukyoku - Sambomaster
Waking, getting ready for the day Scene: Chocolate - Snow Patrol
Walking to School Scene: Cold Hard B**** - Jet
Walking Home Scene: Come Away With Me - Norah Jones
Summer moments scene: Take Me Out - Franz Ferdinand
Party/BBQ/Hanging out with friends scene: Life is Life - Opus
Driving Scene: Somebody Told Me - The Killers
Moments of Joy with Significant Other (like in There's Something About Mary) Scene: Just What I Needed - The Cars
Break Up Scene: The Scientist - Coldplay
Depressed Scene: Life - Our Lady Peace
Month Later after Break Up Scene: The Ex - Billy Talent
Training/Running until my lungs explode Scene: Last Train Home - Lost Prophets
Motivational/Rugby/Ultimate Frisbee scene: Artist in the Ambulance - Thrice; Song 2 - Blur
End of Summer after winning the Ultimate Frisbee Championship Scene: Your Hand In Mine (with strings) - Explosions in the Sky
Fight Scene: Dive For You - Boom Boom Satellites
Death/Funeral Scene: Grief and Sorrow - Naruto OST
Goodbye Scene: Fix You - Coldplay
Don't Dream it's Over - Sixpence None the Richer
Closing Credits: A Little Help from my Friends - Joe Cocker; The Impression That I Get - Mighty Mighty Bosstones

I've had too much time to think about this. Now I tag...

Nobody.

Feel free to tag me with your survey stuff, and I'll feel free to not comply.

;p

Would you like a copy of my soundtrack? I can send you one. I can and will. Just gimme a shout, email, call, comment, tag on the tagboard, instant message, singing telegram, can & string transmission, or kick to the face, and I'll make the necessary arrangements. This isn't limited to Winnipeg folk. If you live out of the city, I'd be more than happy to mail it to you. No need to pay postage.

NO DISTANCE IS TOO GREAT.

I've done it before and I'll do it again. I know you all want one.
*cough* Janet who visits like twice a day, but never comments or tags or anything. *cough*

But seriously, if they really did make a movie about my life. I would hope that they would show the way God's love has changed me. Because everything good in my life is because of Him. I can't take credit for any of it. In the whole grand scheme of things, this movie was never about me, it's about His love for me and how much it has affected those around me. Everything likeable about me is from Him. Thanks God. *high fives God*

Next week (or sooner... most likely later): List of movies I want to see.

Bored At Work: Take 2

So... I bet you're all wondering what a coconut does when he's bored at work. Well I'll tell you: He writes Haikus!

Haiku 1

Her smile still haunts me
A yearning to turn back time
To relive that day.

Wish I could forget
Memories can't be erased
Burns will heal, one day.

I want to ask why
But I won't get an answer
Yelling at the wind.

I can do better
The sea's filled with many fish
She's one of many.

My future looks bright
I said I wouldn't settle
But for her, I would.

Haiku 2

Reunion attempt
Have broken years of silence
Had nothing to lose.

She makes no effort
My resolve remains the same
To love her, always.

Any ideas for titles?
Bonus question: What is the underlying theme of this post? Marks will be given based on originality and content.

A Tale of Redemption

When I was younger, I used to be enthralled by this Playstation game entitled Valkyrie Profile. Its premise is based loosely on Norse mythology. The story goes that there's a war going on in Valhalla, a spiritual realm above earth. Odin, the head honcho of the good side realizes that his forces aren't strong enough, so he calls for the aid of Valkyrie, a winged warrior. He tells Valkyrie to recruit more soldiers from the mortal realm to strengthen Odin's forces. So, Valkyrie is charged with the daunting task of choosing worthy souls to be trained and, once ready, to fight for Odin. There is quite a degree of spirituality in this game, which is why I'm bringing this up. What made this game so engaging and kept me playing for hours on end was the way Valkyrie chose her army. The only way she could claim a soul was once the person died - not by her doing of course, but by usually tragic means. She always chose the outcast, who died alone, or a lone warrior who was betrayed by his friends, or an orphan who lost her way. In each case, it seemed like the souls that she deemed worthy, were the ones that needed a second chance. And that's exactly what she gave them. I could relate very well to the tales of tragedy, misfortune, and ultimately grace.

Now, even more so today, I realize how badly in need I am of a second chance. I don't want to settle for a comfortable life. I don't want to settle for second best. I want passion, and renewed commitment in my life. Earlier this week I met a man from Rwanda. He survived the genocide and only a few members of his family remain. He said that the whole experience only served to strengthen his faith. It seems that we in North America have such shallow faith. One that's based on convenience. Personally, I feel that my faith has become numb, that I'm just going through the motions. I miss that passion that I used to have. I miss genuinely caring about the well-being of others. I miss hearing His voice.

Dad, would you grant me a second chance?

Thomas: On surviving university.

I remember it like it was yesterday. My first year of University. I carpooled with an old high school friend, Thomas, that year. Though we both graduated the same year, he was finishing his final year towards his computer science degree, and I was just starting mine (I had taken a long break after high school). Every morning, I'd sit in his car and listen to his crappy music. It was either that or talk radio. During the lulls in traffic, he'd turn to me and offer me advice and pointers about all the little facets that the campus had to offer. He'd tell me about all the nooks and crannies and best kept secrets like which lounge was the quietest and had the softest couches for sleeping, or the quickest route possible from building A to building B. Now that I think about it, I probably wouldn't have lasted very long if it wasn't for his guidance. I should remind myself to thank him one day.

We were walking from the parking lot towards our respective classes. All of a sudden, Thomas tugs on my sleeve.

"Neil."

"Huh."

"This building..."

"What about it?"

"Duff Roblin."

"Yes?"

"They have the cleanest bathrooms."

I paused. "Okay..."

"If you ever need to go, top floor, Duff Roblin."

"Uhh thanks, Thomas." I shook my head.

"What do they study in that building anyway?"

Thomas shrugged.

Fast forward to today. I'm climbing the steps of Duff Roblin...

"Thomas sat here." I thought to myself as I stared down at a shiny porcelain bowl. I sat.

5 minutes later...
I was in awe of how quiet it was up here. Just then, another gentleman walked in to use the urinal. I could see his feet peeking from under the barrier. Do you ever just freeze and try to make as little noise as possible when somebody walks in and you're on the throne in a public washroom? The gentleman concluded his business, zipped up and moved away from my stall. His footsteps grew fainter. I heard the door swing open and shut abruptly. Silence... That bastard didn't wash his hands!!! I let it slide this time since we were in the pristine, spotless bathroom of Duff Roblin's top floor. Nostalgia swept over me as I reminisced over what seemingly was a pointless conversation was actually a grave matter of hygiene.

In the bible, Thomas was the one who doubted. Not my Thomas, he was wise.

It's been 3 years since that conversation. I still have no idea what they do in Duff Roblin.

*Disclaimer: One should always wash their hands after using a public bathroom.

Truth and Reconciliation

School starts tomorrow...

There are certain individuals within my sphere of influence whom I've lost touch with. I see them every now and then... And they seem distant. Not from this world, but from God. I've made a resolution to go back for them. To reunite them with the Creator. Please pray for me as I find them in the darkness.

Leave No Man Behind.

I realized that there aren't enough honest people in this world. And I don't mean those who go back to the cashier to return the change that was misgiven to them. I mean the kind that would tell me that there's parsley stuck between my teeth. Or would whisper in my ear to go brush my teeth. Or more importantly, tell me when I've wronged them instead of keep it to themselves and let it fester inside of them. I admire brutal honesty in people. Why is it better to "spare each other's feelings"? How is that even possible if the person hasn't been given the privilege of knowing in order to feel anything?

I want the truth.

You can't handle the truth.

Seems like this new school year will be a lonely one...

But then again, I don't mind.

We are teh winz!!!

We are the Champions
Originally uploaded by Niaru.

A beautiful cap to an awesome summer. For me, it was a bit dramatic. This summer started off with a couple disappointments and was starting to look pretty bleak. But I just shrugged it off and decided to make the best of it. For that, I'm grateful especially for my team who showed me how true spirit can overcome conflict between each other and within ourselves. The answer isn't 'out there', it's within us. Only by coming together, forsaking ourselves, could we have achieved such a great community of friends from different walks of life. Of course, there have been confrontations, but they were all with the intent of wanting to improve. I'm thankful to God for keeping me free from injury and blessing me with such beautiful friends. He has always been faithful to me despite my lack thereof. Every weekend has been filled with something crazy... I've been to church about 3 times this summer and have barely spoken to Him. But I know the way He feels about me and how He sees me hasn't changed. I'm His son.

Indeed, the 30 foot machine will be a force to be reckoned with next year. Winners of 'D' division baby. BEST OF THE WORST!!!

WHAT!

Goofy Boys
Originally uploaded by rodeworks.

How long has it been? I've been busy. But no news is good news in this case. I've felt A LOT like this guy many times this summer. So many things have been happening lately, that I don't know where to start. SO, instead of me writing an essay to put you to sleep, I'll just refer you to my photo site. Pictures tell stories in themselves. The link is on the side as well. I update it every couple weeks usually. Though I don't know how much I'll be uploading once school starts but we'll see, we'll see.

I'm thankful for my ultimate frisbee team. This summer would have sucked had I not met them. We're all a bunch of goofs just like the boys in the above picture. I love them. Until next time...

WAR OUT MENG!

I miss school. Scary, I know.

Wrote this at work (click to enlarge)...

One day... My room WILL be clean. ;p

Evidence

Extravagant. adj

1. Given to lavish or imprudent expenditure;
2. Exceeding reasonable bounds, excessive, unrestrained;
3. Extremely abundant, profuse;
4. Unreasonably high, exorbitant;
5. Straying beyond limits or bounds.

Lately and often, this phrase has been permeating my mind: "Love extravagantly." I hadn't the faintest clue why until I came upon this verse:

"Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious, but extravagant. He didn't love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that."
-Ephesians 5:2

Too often, I've felt that I needed compensation for loving somebody. I expected too much. To love extravagantly means to love intentionally and deeply. But we can't. At least... not in the state we're in. Only upon realizing how much God loves us - deeply and immeasurably can we in turn love others the same way.

Hermit Mode: Disengaged.

Room's still a mess, bathroom's still filthy. BUT, I don't feel like shit anymore. Dunno what happened, nor can I try to explain. This earthly body seems to yearn for constancy and the only way it can possibly achieve it is by going through a swing of hills and valleys. I know He listens to me, even though He never answers me directly, I know He smiles on me, especially during the dark times of my life when I search for answers and find none, and yet... continue to press forward. Gonna go to my buddy's cabin for the weekend. Catch some rays (as if I need anymore ;p), toss some disc, enjoy the water. Life is both dreadful and beautiful. Much love, London.

Pictures will be up next week. OH, and whoever left those bible verses in my comments on my last post and didn't leave their name... HOW DARE YOU! And thanks. =D

Live your life.

Hermit Mode: Engaged.

The room is in shambles, my bathroom's filthy. I haven't done my laundry in two weeks. I generally feel like shit. I dunno what's happened, nor can I try to explain. My passion is gone. Food has lost its flavour, songs have lost their meaning. Friends at this point seem... well, pointless. And worst of all... is that I miss Him.

"Sometimes you need to hit rock bottom before you can get back up."
-Alana Fife, my old high school friend

Indeed, I have hit rock bottom. Or have I? Kinda scary if I haven't.

I'm mad at Him. Disappointed in some major things that have happened in my life. Angry that He never answers me. I haven't heard His voice in years. Do I dare say that I don't love Him anymore? I miss the passion that I used to have. All I wanted in life was to be happy. But I still don't know what makes me happy. I'm frightened to death that I might not ever know. All I wanted from Him was to tell me what I should do. Give me a vision, like You did, 6 years ago.

Her name is Hunter. She's an idealist, like me. She's in the military, like me. Grew up in Winnipeg, like me. Works in the same office, like me. Funny how when I asked her what an idealist like her was doing in the military, she had the same answer, like me: "I don't know."

Wyatt Earp: All I ever wanted was to live a normal life.

Doc Holiday: There's no normal life, Wyatt, there's just life. Now live it, up to the hilt.

Pray for me?

Les GunZ!

I wanted to take this time to advertise a game that I think I've fallen in love with. Not since my Counter-Strike days have I been so addicted! And the best part about it is that it's free! GunZ is an action shooter MMORPG game like no other. It boasts superb crisp graphics which looks like it runs off the Half Life engine, and with the new update, the sounds of weapons fire and shells falling sounds so much more fuller. Weapons range from pistols to SMG's to rifles, shotguns, heavy machine guns and even grenade launchers! The coolest thing are the blades where you can wield daggers, swords or even two swords at a time! In addtion to picking weapons, you'll also have the choice of wardrobe all with their own special attributes and styles. Of course, your choice of weapons and clothing will vary as you progress up the levels.

I first saw this game in action at my friend's house and my initial impression was that it was a cross between Max Payne and the Matrix. And indeed you can be like Neo with the air dashing and running up and along walls and dodging gun fire and smooth mélé acrobatics. Everything short of stopping bullets. I highly recommend that anybody with a decent comp and broadband connection, and is into swift action like you see in the movies to try out this game. It's definitely worth the five minute download. And if you ever do sign up, drop me a line, I'll add you as a friend and show you the ropes. You'll be shooting and slicing it up like a pro in no time!

Thine Long Weekend Hath Pass't

Hung out with my ultimate frisbee team this past weekend. Fun was had by all. Beach on Friday, our own fireworks show at night. Victoria Beach on Saturday, karaoke at night. Grand on Sunday, hail storm in the afternoon. Crazy. Oh, and I got heat stroke on Saturday. So fun. Click on the image to see more craziness.

Me vs Calgary

Had last weekend off from work, went to Cow-Town for an ultimate frisbee tournament. One of the most inspiring weekends of my life. For many, it was a big drunken orgy. But for me, it was way more than that. A chance to get away and not think about my daily routines and responsibilities. Our team went undefeated on Saturday, and then lost to a very quick but very spirited team in the semi-finals on Sunday. I'm glad we lost this way. They were such a great team and so fun to play with. Not like the team we played before them. Much too intense. There were so many accidents that game. I smoked a girl (whom I didn't see coming from behind), and another guy on their team got smoked in the face by the frisbee. But they were all accidental, yet they started cussing out making it look like our fault. The girl I smoked launched an F-bomb as she lay on the ground, and all the remorse I felt soon evaporated. But all in all, I haven't had so much fun in so long.

Funny stuff:

Rachel: hey, do you remember what i started calling you when i finally realized that you weren't ever gonna call me rebecca?

Neil: Nelson.

Rachel: ahhhhhhh...i had forgotten THANK YOU NELSON!

Neil: np

Rachel: lol, how're you doing?

Neil: I was playing with nelson over the weekend actually

Rachel: did you see tyson when you were in alb?

Neil: you know nelson chan?

Rachel: nope

Neil: who's tyson?

Rachel: tyson from nav's?

Neil: oh that tyson. no. i was in an ultimate tournament

Rachel: fun! ... do you know (blanked out as per Rachel's request)?

Neil: we went to china town saturday night ... no i don't

Rachel: :(

Neil: and i got fishballs

Rachel: he plays ultimate and he's a really hot doctor!

Neil: and chinese pork buns

Rachel: "slash" med student ... nice... were they good? i don't like fish so much. "not so good al..."

Neil: and curry puff cakes ... and then we went back and had dinner at the ulti event ... and then there was bbq chicken, ribs, and pot roast ... and taco salad ... and coleslaw ... and baked potatoes with all the trimmings

Rachel: and you ate a lot i see

Neil: and then we had free beer*

Rachel: always good

Neil: they kept coming by the pitchers

Rachel: but not for me b/c i hate beer

Neil: and then we went back to china town

Rachel: and you got wicked drunk

Neil: and had noodles

Rachel: and sobered up

Neil: and curry noodles

Rachel: and i'm having my own convo while you talk about food

Neil: i didn't get crazy drunk

Rachel: just a little sloshed.... :p

Neil: i had a couple coolers and i had a buzz going ... but not drunk

Rachel: yechhhh.

Neil: we were all in the van on the way to china town ... and we were all buzzed or drunk ... except the driver of course

Rachel: good to know

Neil: because he was training for master's league ... anyway everything we said in the van was hilarious because we were messed ... and i started talking with a chinese accent because the driver was chinese ... and i kept calling him anko ... uncle with a chinese accent

Rachel: nasty boy

Neil: and then i suggested we go to banff ... and everybody cheered

Rachel: you're nuts

Neil: except for the driver ... so we just ate noodles ... and i went to bed all bloated from food and alcohol

Rachel: +o(

Neil: and i took 2 dumps and 3 leaks the next morning

Rachel: i feel sick just reading that ... things i don't want nor need to know

Neil: the best weekend of my life

Rachel: pitiful ... :p

Neil: you're just jealous you didn't have fun

Rachel: lol

Neil: because the company made it so great ... it wasn't the food or the beer or even the ultimate ... it was the people ... i've never met such spirited people on or off the field ... christians can learn from their example

Rachel: what? to drink and behave stupidly?

Neil: no, to be great sportsman despite losing and always complimenting the other team when they do well ... to have a great sense of humour and being able to laugh about themselves when they screw up ... having grace for other people when they get injured and clapping them off when they get off the field

Rachel: oh, that's good.

*Contrary to popular belief, beer does not taste better when it's free.

Regret

My weary mind tends to wander every once in a while... to the past. I wonder how things would be like if only I had done this. If only I had said this. Or even, if only I hadn't. I guess I'm still trying to figure out which is worse: wrongful action, or wrongful inaction. I want to believe that the latter is, but it sure doesn't feel that way. One thing's for certain, the only thing worse than these two things combined is a really good and vivid memory.

The next day...

I awoke from my nap. I clambered up the steps and looked out the window. I groan from exhaustion. Not from physical exhaustion, but from sleeping too long. The week has gone by so fast. A devilish whirl of disappointments turned hopeful by the meeting of unexpected old friends. More remnants of my past. We talk. I feel connected to this world once more. Fond memories no longer feel like dreams - and yet, at this point seem all too surreal. Was I meant to be happy? Was anybody meant to be happy? Were all these unexpected turns in my life actually part of something greater? My heart wants desperately to believe so, but the world around me tells me "No, Neil. This is simply life. It's fucked up. Get over it."

And then I think about all the people I've met, how they've all impacted me one way or another. Would I have met these great and wonderful people had I not strayed from the road of ambition and selfishness? The answer is a clear and resounding no. And so I count my blessings for all the people I've met. Whether it was a dream or not, my memory keeps them alive in my heart. I sit and I pray.

I turned my head and saw yet another wisp of smoke on its way to nothingness: a solitary person, completely alone - no children, no family, no friends - yet working obsessively late into the night, compulsively greedy for more and more, never bothering to ask, "Why am I working like a dog, never having any fun? And who cares?" More smoke. A bad business.

It's better to have a partner than go alone.
Share the work, share the wealth.
And if one falls down, the other helps,
But if there's no one to help, tough!

Two in bed warm each other.
Alone, you shiver all night.

By yourself you're unprotected.
With a friend you can face the worst.
Can you round up a third?
A three-stranded rope isn't easily snapped.

-Ecclesiastes 4:7-12

I've made up my mind. The goal is clear. I seek...

A best friend - with benefits.

...not those kinds of benefits, silly!

Team photo minus Captain

Team photo minus Captain
Originally uploaded by Niaru.

Still undefeated, BOTCH!

Ewe dew

Yesterday: Rain.
Today: Rain.
Next week: Rain.

Of course it would be nice to have the sun while playing outside. But lately, I've begun to appreciate this life-giving precipitation. All this rainfall reminded me of one of God's promises.

"Job*, are you listening? Have you noticed all this?
Stop in your tracks! Take in God's miracle-wonders!
Do you have any idea how God does it all,
how he makes bright lightning from dark storms,
How he piles up the cumulus clouds -
all these miracle-wonders of a perfect Mind?
Why, you don't even know how to keep cool
on a sweltering day,
So how could you even dream
of making a dent in that hot-tin-roof-sky?"
-Job 37:14-18

*I like to change Job's name for mine, whenever I read his book. Try it with yours!

Bought a cd...



I likes.

And what's the deal with Coldplay? Why is everybody so into them? Do people think it makes them so cool just because they listen to Coldplay? Gross.

*hides newly bought Coldplay cd behind back, innocent smile*

Friends?

Lots of things have been happening this week. A crazy storm in my life. But I know I'll get through it somehow. He's taken me thus far already. And I know from experience that He's in control of everything. All I can do... is smile.

I've been contemplating lately about all my friends. Are relationships just borne out of convenience? Like in high school, I was in french immersion and so our class was together ever since kindergarten. We've been through ups and downs and after we graduated, that was it. I haven't seen any of them since - except for a couple guys whom I still barely keep in touch with. We meet up like twice a year and we carry on like nothing's changed and we reminisce about the good old days. But it's saddening that we don't hang out often because I really enjoy their company.

It seems to me that friends are friends until they stop trying. I keep saying to myself: If I really love this person, I won't give up on them, because God never gave up on me. Even still, it's hard to keep trying, because these eyes of mine don't see very far. And what happens when they don't try? It's like that person passed away. Gone forever... until heaven. I know I'm not making any sense.

Annie, I know that you'll probably never read this but...
I was wrong.
I'm sorry.
I miss you.

Things will probably never be the same...
All I can offer you... is this.