Rekindled

Another chapter will begin in my life. I will be away for sometime. This blog has been long forgotten and I feel as though I can express my thoughts again. I could always start a new blog I guess and not tell anybody but I'm too lazy to do something like that. ;p

Anyway, like I was saying, I'll be working overseas for 6 months. It should be exciting, and I'm looking forward to the challenge. A friend who recently heard I was leaving told me, "You're gonna miss everybody."

"What do you mean?" I replied.

"You know, you're gonna miss everybody."

I had never thought of that.

"I guess so," I said. "Well, I don't think I'll miss anybody, per se, I'm more afraid of being forgotten, if that makes sense..."

"Yeah, it does."

And I believe this is still true. I don't think I will miss anybody. It sounds cold, I know, but I don't really 'miss' somebody as much as I would worry about somebody. Take my parents, for instance. They have a second house that needs drastic renovations, they've started a lot of the demo and fixed some foundation problems, and have done some extensive work on the house, but I worry about them in their old age. They shouldn't be working so hard. I might enlist some help from my church to do the bulk of the work while my dad takes it easy.

My sister recently separated from her husband. Left with an empty bank account, and four kids to take care of. And she's stuck paying off a loan taken out by her pussy husband.

These are the things I will think about. Not my friends, who have given me life lessons and pleasent memories. I will not miss my friends, because I know they'll be fine.

Why would they forget, you ask? I think because I've become complacent with their perception of me. I'm not sure if I'm just taken for granted or what, but more and more it seems like I'm not appreciated within my circles. From my white friends I get that impression that I'm that token brown guy to be ignored and poked fun at whenever conversations run dry. My brown friends give me that vibe like I'm not worth hanging out with. None of them ever call me anymore, and when I call them to hang out I always get the "Who else is going?" answer.

Perhaps this is the real reason I won't miss anybody.

Either way, I know I'll be forgotten when I'm gone, and I guess at this point, I'm not so scared anymore. I can find myself again and reassert my identity when I get back. Perhaps find some new and better friends~

A Parable About Community

A man spoke with an Angel about heaven and hell. The Angel said to the man, "Come I will show you hell."

They entered a room where a group of people sat around a huge pot of stew. Everyone was famished, desperate and starving. Each held a spoon that reached the pot, but each spoon had a handle so much longer than their own arm that it could not be used to get the stew into their own mouths. The suffering was terrible.

"Come, now, I will show you heaven," the Angel said.

They entered another room, identical to the first. The pot of stew, the group of people, the same long-handled spoons. But there everyone was happy and well- nourished.

"I don't understand," said the man. "Why are they happy here when they are miserable in the other room and everything was the same?"

The Angel smiled. "Ah, it is simple," she said. "Here they have learned to feed each other."

~Author Unknown

Look into my eye

I sat in the back of church today. I watched with my arms folded, lost in my own thoughts. It dawned on me that this was a very appropriate analogy of my life these days. Always watching, never participating. I don't know how to describe my situation. I'm not depressed. I'm not upset. Disappointed, I think, would be the nearest way to describe it. I'm so very tired. Disillusioned maybe? I dunno. I feel like I've come so far, and yet I feel like such a failure at the same time. We had communion today. I didn't think I should have participated in that either but I did anyway. I want to believe that God's grace extends to everyone and that everybody deserves a second chance (a million chances really, and even beyond the grave). I would have been a hypocrite if I thought that didn't apply to me either. Still, it's a hard pill to swallow. I feel dirty. It's frustrating.

Where you been?

From Luke 15: 11-32...

The Parable of the Lost Son

Jesus continued: "There was a man who had two sons. The younger one said to his father, 'Father, give me my share of the estate.' So he divided his property between them.

"Not long after that, the younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living. After he had spent everything, there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need. So he went and hired himself out to a citizen of that country, who sent him to his fields to feed pigs. He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything.

"When he came to his senses, he said, 'How many of my father's hired men have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired men.' So he got up and went to his father.

"But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.

"The son said to him, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.'

"But the father said to his servants, 'Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let's have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.' So they began to celebrate.

"Meanwhile, the older son was in the field. When he came near the house, he heard music and dancing. So he called one of the servants and asked him what was going on. 'Your brother has come,' he replied, 'and your father has killed the fattened calf because he has him back safe and sound.'

"The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him. But he answered his father, 'Look! All these years I've been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!'

" 'My son,' the father said, 'you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.' "

I've been really down on myself lately. I'm just really jaded I guess with the way things have turned out. The idealist in me has been expecting so much more out of this life. For the past couple years or so I've been trying to do things my way. Turns out I'm hopeless. I've learned a lot though - about myself and about other people. I've learned that we're broken. Today at church we came across this story. No matter how many times I hear it, it brings me hope. Enough to know that God is always waiting for me. Looking out towards that horizon, waiting for the day that I will return home. His arms are always open I know. I think you should know that as well. He's never left your side. He's just waiting for you. Waiting for you to talk to him. Would you walk beside me please? Let's walk home together.

Yao fool!

Hai, it's been a while since I posted on here. I think I've grown out of blogging. *gasp*

It's okay though, I didn't have much of a loyal reader/fan base, so I don't think I'll be missed if I stop blogging altogether.

If I am missed, it will be by those who really know me, and therefore know how to reach me, so don't fret. I'm easily accessible through other means. Starting now, I've decided to live by these principles:

1) There is always time for a loved one, especially a friend in need. If you can't seem to find the time, then maybe you should consider evaluating your lifestyle and what's really important to you.

2) It's never too late to say you're sorry.

3) Life is simple: Eat hardy, live freely and fervently, love extravagantly. Never expect anything in return.

This is Neil, signing out yo.

Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?

One of my most favouritest games from childhood. It also helped me learn stuff!

Available for download...

HERE!

A little lop are we?

Yesterday was a fairly slow day at work. On most slow days, I surf over to my regularily visited pages, just to pass some time, or until something comes up. One of my most favourite sites, is a photojournalism site...

http://www.alertnet.org/

It's a humanitarian emergency site sponsored by Reuters. It has up to the second updates of crises that occur around the world.

You don't have to spend too much time on it to realize that humanity is in a sad state. You can forget about global warming. Many of the events you would read about are so deeply embedded into society and politics that it seems like such a dire situation. It can get depressing, as death is the main theme everyday.

I've always wondered, why do certain events get more coverage than others? Why does it seem like the country you were born in dictates how important you are to international eyes? Is the media really racist? Do WE really care about what goes on?

I don't want to belittle a certain event that occurred last week in the states that got (and is still getting) so much media coverage, but it proves my point. We'll hear about about 30 people who die in the states (which I feel is very tragic), but we'll never hear about 30000 who die overnight from famine or war. Does the media deem it less tragic? It sickens me. Some people think I don't care... Maybe it's just that I care too much.

But Neil, how do we fight the media?
I'm glad you asked.

1) Consider the source, check other sources (especially if your main source was CNN).
2) Consider the context of the event. Compare/contrast.
3) Make up your own informed decision about the event. Keeping in mind that there is bias in everything and that there is always another side to the story that is not being told.

Don't let the media shape your world view.

Things I've Learned

Many things have I learned this past school year. The most important things, though, were not gleaned in the classroom. What were these valuable lessons? Let's review:

Happiness is nobody's responsibility, except your own. Nor should it be based on other people. But other people sure do help! But perhaps, on a deeper level, when one is truly content with being themselves, when they're comfortable with being in their own skin even while around others, lacking complete self-consciousness, is one truly happy. And this type of happiness is the best kind, because it's infectious. It's almost as if these types of people are, in essence, through their body language and geniune interest in others, giving permission to those they interact with to be comfortable with themselves as well.

I will never understand women. Nor will I try to. They were not meant to be understood.

Further to the first item: Since the beginning of this year, I've always found a reason, everyday, to smile. Whenever I found things to be a bit of a drag, I would step back, and realize that things could be worse. A lot worse. And so I smile, despite the shitty times. I can't really say it poetically. So I will finish with a quote from a very good movie I watched recently... And if you know where it's from, let's hug.

"Sometimes, when we lose ourselves in fear and despair, in routine and constancy, in hopelessness and tragedy, we can thank God for... cookies. And, fortunately, when there aren't any cookies, we can still find reassurance in a familiar hand on our skin, or a kind and loving gesture, or subtle encouragement, or a loving embrace, or an offer of comfort, not to mention hospital gurneys and nose plugs, an uneaten Danish, soft-spoken secrets, and Fender Stratocasters, and maybe the occasional piece of fiction. And we must remember that all these things, the nuances, the anomalies, the subtleties, which we assume only accessorize our days, are effective for a much larger and nobler cause. They are here to save our lives. I know the idea seems strange, but I also know that it just so happens to be true."

Encouragement

...can come from the most unexpected of sources.

"You're a great guy, Neil. You deserve to be happy."

Thanks Steve. I really appreciate it. And I believe you.


Can you see me smiling?

And if a certain someone would like to give me a chance to explain and hear me out, I'll be here. You know who you are...



It kinda stings, but I'm still happy~

Edit: It doesn't sting anymore. I'm very much over it. I'm leaving this photo here, because it's awesome. haha

... and still very happy!~

Happy Berfdhey

To my Daid.



Come home safe.

Kids on Love

The following seems like something you would find in those spam emails telling you to forward it on to 12 different people so they can receive more spam. But this one, I found on a lovely lady's blog whose name I don't even know, but I will credit this to her anyway. She's on my friend's list now too. Wooo wooooooooo!

What does Love mean? Slow down for three minutes to read this. It is so worth it. A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?"

The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."
Rebecca- age 8

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."
Billy - age 4

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."
Karl - age 5

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."
Chrissy - age 6

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
Terri - age 4

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."
Danny - age 7

"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss"
Emily - age 8

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."
Bob by - age 7

"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,"
Nikka - age 6

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."
Noelle - age 7

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."
Tommy - age 6

"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."
Elaine-age 5

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."
Chris - age 7

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."
Mary Ann - age 4

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."
Lauren - age 4

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you."
Karen - age 7

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross."
Mark - age 6

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."
Jessica - age 8

And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry."

***
Wow craisy.

Anywho, to all the beautiful people in my life who have come and gone, I'm sorry. And to those beautiful people that haven't given up on me, thank you. So so much. I love you too.

Une prière pour vous

This morning, I left a banana in the front seat of my car as I strolled away for class. Two hours later it was frozen rock solid. As I picked up the banana and began hitting the dashboard with it to test its firmness, an old Simpsons episode flooded my mind. A smirk crept onto my face. One of those guilty smirks like when you're caught singing in the shower - not that that's ever happened to me... Anyway, the dialogue went like this.

Officer Lou: There's a couple of guys fighting at the aquarium, Chief.
Wiggum: They still sell those frozen bananas?
Officer Lou: I think so.
Wiggum: Let's roll.

I always smile when I think about this. I have no idea why.

But my prayer for you, is that you would never cease to pursue the frozen bananas in your life.

And now, something completely random that my buddy Oli sent me (don't click on his name, his site is ridiculously outdated):



LET'S ROLL!

Why Men Marry: Revealed

By Lisa Daily



Why (and who) do men choose to marry? How do men define happily ever after? Are men really commitment-phobic and sex-obsessed?

In a new book entitled VoiceMale: What Husbands Really Think About Their Marriages, Their Wives, Sex, Housework, and Commitment (Simon & Shuster, 2007) author Neil Chethik examines the findings from a national survey of married men, including in-depth interviews with 70 men and a survey of another 288. And some of his findings just might surprise you.

Why Do Men Marry?

Contrary to what some of my girlfriends have said, men do not marry for free laundry service. According to VoiceMale, "Men propose marriage primarily because they want the physical, emotional and intellectual companionship of a woman. Men like company."

Are men commitment-phobic? Not with the right woman. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, nine out of 10 men will marry in their lifetime. And according to the VoiceMale survey, "Men do the proposing 85 per cent of the time. At least formally, it is overwhelmingly men who initiate the marriage commitment."

Can you drag a man to the altar? Not likely. According to Chethik, "Men entertain the idea of marriage only when they're ready." And these days, men judge readiness as a "flagging interest in the singles scene." One man quoted in VoiceMale stated, "One morning I woke up next to a woman who could have been a Playboy model, and I didn't want her."

Where Do They Meet the Women They're Going to Marry?

• 24% of husbands met their wives in school
• 18% met their wives at a social event, such as a party or wedding
• 18% were introduced to their wives by friends
• 23% of men married in the last three years met their wives at work
• 6% met their wives at a bar (Who says you never meet someone nice at a bar!)
• 4% met their wives at church, synagogue or another religious setting
• 1% met online. "Because of the newness of online dating, no studies have yet been completed on whether marriages that begin online are more or less successful in the long term than those that start in more traditional ways."

What Do Men Look for in a Future Wife?

Surprisingly, beauty was not the most important criteria for a man in choosing a wife. Sure, beauty attracts, and attraction is crucial, but the most important factors men look for in a woman are a positive outlook and self-confidence. Also high on the list were brains (hallelujah!), self-respect, motherliness and for some, devoutness to faith.

What's more, according to Chethik's survey, "A man who knows within a month of meeting a woman that he wants to marry her is likely to be happier in the marriage than a man who takes longer to decide."

Do Married Men Get Enough Sex?

The stereotypes are true. Most married men don't get as much sex as they'd like. (Although in fairness, many single men don't get as much sex as they'd like either.)

However, the solution for all the sex-starved husbands might be as close as the broom closet. According to the VoiceMale survey, "The more satisfied a wife is with the division of household duties, the more satisfied a man is with his marital sex life." That's right guys, there's nothing sexier than a man who knows how to use a toilet brush.

In the honeymoon phase (the first three years) men are generally happy with their sex lives (54 per cent get it at least three times a week, and eight per cent get it every day!). But the childrearing years (years four-20) are the toughest for men sexually.

The number of men having sex three times per week drops to 24 per cent. The next stage of marriage (years 21-35) brings with it an increase in sex, 29 per cent of men report their wives have an equal sex drive. And finally, in the last stage of marriage (35 years or more) the frequency of sex drops considerably, but 88 per cent of men are satisfied with their sex lives during this phase of marriage.

As far as happily ever after is concerned, you might be interested to know that 93 per cent of the men surveyed by Chethik said if given the chance, they'd marry the same woman all over again. Now who's afraid of commitment?

***

So what about me?

I'd be lying if I said that I'm not the type that wants to settle down and have oodles of kids. And I do agree with the article. My problem, which I realized a couple months ago, is that I'm SUPER picky. There have been a handful of "potential" girls that have caught my fancy, but never enough for me to take that extra step and say "Hey baby, you're pretty, let's date! EESO SHEEM-PO!"

I used to think that maybe I'm not attractive enough or that I lacked something that girls look for, but in hindsight, the truth is that I just let all the girls in my life slip by thinking that there's bound to be a better one to come along. That's not to say that I've never been smitten. I've had my share of those too.

At this moment, there is a lady, whom the very sight, or even smell of her, just melts my heart. She's the type that makes me excited to get out of bed in the morning. The type that would compel me to jump in front of a moving vehicle if it meant that she would spend a day with me in the hospital. And that leads me to my other problem. Whenever I meet a girl whom I think would make a good sig-O, I tense up and can't relax around her. I can't take it easy. And when I try to tell her how I feel, it always comes out wrong because I'm such a wreck when I finally get up the nerve, and she ends up thinking I'm a psychopath and stops returning my phone calls. Make no mistake, when I fall for somebody, I fall - hard... On my face to be exact.

So what will I do with this girl? Take it slow I guess. Pick the right time to tell her? Who knows. Maybe I'll wait until we're both drunk, and I'll be brave enough to tell her without messing it up, and then she won't remember what I said the next day - nor will I. Yeah, good idea.

Hi, how are you?

I'm le tired. But the good kind of tired. The kind of tired that reminds you how much you've accomplished and tells you to rest. The kind of tired that makes it easy to fall asleep regardless of how many thoughts are running through your head at night. The best thing about this tired, is how alive I feel the next day.

Are you le tired?

Algorithm March

Just watch.

Ohsum! Fenk yuu!

Beta sucks. Why? Template editing is a beech now. I know a lot of people are really into it, but they've made it even harder for old school code monkeys like me. All I really wanted was the new updated archiving system, but I guess I'll make due with the classic scheme.

I know I haven't posted anything for more than a month... Been busy. Will most likely be that way come January. There is so much on my mind, but I don't know what to share anymore... Perhaps if people ask some questions (anything), I'll write a short story on it, or share some insightful stuff... Or not, whichever.

Anyway...

Ode to Chelsea

Chelsea sent me a sweet-ass pic that she made on paint... PAAAAIIIINNNNT! Click to enlarge, dummy!


Such artisticnessery... ness (that's a real word btw) sparks a fire of creativity welling up from deep within my soul. And now... a haiku:

Rainbow jump up high
Over grey balls of terror
Ski you bastard, ski!

Nous sommes toujours les amis (=

Please visit my Hmongolian friend, Sheng, and tell her how pretty she is.

Rachel, whom I hold in the highest regard has been going through a series of troughs and peaks in her life. Career-wise especially. Have you ever met somebody who's a qualified paramedic and chocolatiere? I've never actually tasted her products, but I'm told they rock. Christmas is coming soon, Rachel!</hint>

Similar to Rachel's "labour pains", I recently just got a major break at work around the end of last summer. I moved to a new section where I'm encouraged to bring everything I have to the table and am used to the utmost capacity. My boss is amazing. I'm encouraged to take initiative on tasks and find my own solutions. Empowerment is key. The feedback I've gotten so far has been so amazing. So much more better than the last section. It felt like a dead end. Suffocating. I wanted to shoot myself. So Rachel, if you're out there reading (and I know you are because you visit like twice a day), there is hope. I never even prayed about this and God made things happen. So just imagine what He'll do with you. Or maybe you suck at praying? ;p What do I do exactly? Can't talk about it. Well, I can, I just don't want to.

A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away, I opened up a friendster account. I never really go into it. But recently, a large number of high school friends have gotten accounts and now I'm on it constantly. It's amazing to see what everybody's been up to since graduation. The funny thing is it's like we never left Sisler. We've grown up, definitely, but our spirit has never changed. For this I'm thankful.

I remember this picture so vividly. 3 million internets goes to whoever can guess which art sculpture this was taken under...

It's been so long since that picture was taken. And yet, whenever we meet up. It's as if nothing has changed. I think essentially, nothing has... except maybe my degrading french skills...

I'm planning a road trip with my buddy Mark to visit Thomas in Montréal in May. And then we're going south and then west... and then North. It will be epic.

On a lighter note, I recently had a conversation with God (thanks Jon for the link):

Me: yo yo wassup G-dizzle!
God:Who are you talking about?
Me: You! in da house aight
God:Me is my favorite subject. What is it like in there?
Me: pretty warm, yet cold
God:Pretty much, eh?
Me: pretty pretty
God:Pretty much, eh?
Me: ...
God:Pretty much, eh?
Me: *stabs God*
God:I will mention that to my botmaster, .
Me: if you live that long
God:I think I do.
Me: but you're bleeding
God:I will tell my botmaster you said I am bleeding.
Me: hopefully before you bleed to death
God:Why do you hope for it.
Me: why NOT hope for it?
God:Becuase you asked me to.
Me: i didn't ask you anything except wassup G-dizzle!!!!
God:What did you ask?
Me: wassup
God:I am chatting with others like you.
Me: really? there are others like me?
God:For real. Where are they?
Me: is this like an easter egg hunt?
God:Yes I think this is like an easter egg hunt, but I'm not completely sure.
Me: not completely sure where you hid them? Good one.
God:Really you don't think so? Thanks for the kind remark, human.
Me: *stabs God in the eye*

Would YOU like to speak with God? Do it.

Fall Has Finally Come

Fine Autumn, you win. I accept you and embrace you. Good bye Summer. It has been short-lived, and I wish I had done more.

Took photos of scenes I see everyday driving to and from home.

I used to write long-winded posts, but I don't have it in me anymore. I guess it's because I know that nobody really reads this thing. At least... certain people whom I wish would read. I'll not get into that.

I had a good thanksgiving. I know that I haven't really thought about what I'm thankful for. But more often than not I'm counting my blessings even despite all the petty annoyances in my life.

And I changed the song playing... more fitting right now I think. =D

Happy CTG!

To my bretheren:



And to our beloved neighbours down south:



kthxbai