Look into my eye

I sat in the back of church today. I watched with my arms folded, lost in my own thoughts. It dawned on me that this was a very appropriate analogy of my life these days. Always watching, never participating. I don't know how to describe my situation. I'm not depressed. I'm not upset. Disappointed, I think, would be the nearest way to describe it. I'm so very tired. Disillusioned maybe? I dunno. I feel like I've come so far, and yet I feel like such a failure at the same time. We had communion today. I didn't think I should have participated in that either but I did anyway. I want to believe that God's grace extends to everyone and that everybody deserves a second chance (a million chances really, and even beyond the grave). I would have been a hypocrite if I thought that didn't apply to me either. Still, it's a hard pill to swallow. I feel dirty. It's frustrating.