Regret

My weary mind tends to wander every once in a while... to the past. I wonder how things would be like if only I had done this. If only I had said this. Or even, if only I hadn't. I guess I'm still trying to figure out which is worse: wrongful action, or wrongful inaction. I want to believe that the latter is, but it sure doesn't feel that way. One thing's for certain, the only thing worse than these two things combined is a really good and vivid memory.

The next day...

I awoke from my nap. I clambered up the steps and looked out the window. I groan from exhaustion. Not from physical exhaustion, but from sleeping too long. The week has gone by so fast. A devilish whirl of disappointments turned hopeful by the meeting of unexpected old friends. More remnants of my past. We talk. I feel connected to this world once more. Fond memories no longer feel like dreams - and yet, at this point seem all too surreal. Was I meant to be happy? Was anybody meant to be happy? Were all these unexpected turns in my life actually part of something greater? My heart wants desperately to believe so, but the world around me tells me "No, Neil. This is simply life. It's fucked up. Get over it."

And then I think about all the people I've met, how they've all impacted me one way or another. Would I have met these great and wonderful people had I not strayed from the road of ambition and selfishness? The answer is a clear and resounding no. And so I count my blessings for all the people I've met. Whether it was a dream or not, my memory keeps them alive in my heart. I sit and I pray.

I turned my head and saw yet another wisp of smoke on its way to nothingness: a solitary person, completely alone - no children, no family, no friends - yet working obsessively late into the night, compulsively greedy for more and more, never bothering to ask, "Why am I working like a dog, never having any fun? And who cares?" More smoke. A bad business.

It's better to have a partner than go alone.
Share the work, share the wealth.
And if one falls down, the other helps,
But if there's no one to help, tough!

Two in bed warm each other.
Alone, you shiver all night.

By yourself you're unprotected.
With a friend you can face the worst.
Can you round up a third?
A three-stranded rope isn't easily snapped.

-Ecclesiastes 4:7-12

I've made up my mind. The goal is clear. I seek...

A best friend - with benefits.

...not those kinds of benefits, silly!