Why (and who) do men choose to marry? How do men define happily ever after? Are men really commitment-phobic and sex-obsessed?
In a new book entitled VoiceMale: What Husbands Really Think About Their Marriages, Their Wives, Sex, Housework, and Commitment (Simon & Shuster, 2007) author Neil Chethik examines the findings from a national survey of married men, including in-depth interviews with 70 men and a survey of another 288. And some of his findings just might surprise you.
Why Do Men Marry?
Contrary to what some of my girlfriends have said, men do not marry for free laundry service. According to VoiceMale, "Men propose marriage primarily because they want the physical, emotional and intellectual companionship of a woman. Men like company."
Are men commitment-phobic? Not with the right woman. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, nine out of 10 men will marry in their lifetime. And according to the VoiceMale survey, "Men do the proposing 85 per cent of the time. At least formally, it is overwhelmingly men who initiate the marriage commitment."
Can you drag a man to the altar? Not likely. According to Chethik, "Men entertain the idea of marriage only when they're ready." And these days, men judge readiness as a "flagging interest in the singles scene." One man quoted in VoiceMale stated, "One morning I woke up next to a woman who could have been a Playboy model, and I didn't want her."
Where Do They Meet the Women They're Going to Marry?
- 24% of husbands met their wives in school
- 18% met their wives at a social event, such as a party or wedding
- 18% were introduced to their wives by friends
- 23% of men married in the last three years met their wives at work
- 6% met their wives at a bar (Who says you never meet someone nice at a bar!)
- 4% met their wives at church, synagogue or another religious setting
- 1% met online. "Because of the newness of online dating, no studies have yet been completed on whether marriages that begin online are more or less successful in the long term than those that start in more traditional ways."
What Do Men Look for in a Future Wife?
Surprisingly, beauty was not the most important criteria for a man in choosing a wife. Sure, beauty attracts, and attraction is crucial, but the most important factors men look for in a woman are a positive outlook and self-confidence. Also high on the list were brains (hallelujah!), self-respect, motherliness and for some, devoutness to faith.What's more, according to Chethik's survey, "A man who knows within a month of meeting a woman that he wants to marry her is likely to be happier in the marriage than a man who takes longer to decide."
Do Married Men Get Enough Sex?
The stereotypes are true. Most married men don't get as much sex as they'd like. (Although in fairness, many single men don't get as much sex as they'd like either.)
However, the solution for all the sex-starved husbands might be as close as the broom closet. According to the VoiceMale survey, "The more satisfied a wife is with the division of household duties, the more satisfied a man is with his marital sex life." That's right guys, there's nothing sexier than a man who knows how to use a toilet brush.
In the honeymoon phase (the first three years) men are generally happy with their sex lives (54 per cent get it at least three times a week, and eight per cent get it every day!). But the childrearing years (years four-20) are the toughest for men sexually.
The number of men having sex three times per week drops to 24 per cent. The next stage of marriage (years 21-35) brings with it an increase in sex, 29 per cent of men report their wives have an equal sex drive. And finally, in the last stage of marriage (35 years or more) the frequency of sex drops considerably, but 88 per cent of men are satisfied with their sex lives during this phase of marriage.
As far as happily ever after is concerned, you might be interested to know that 93 per cent of the men surveyed by Chethik said if given the chance, they'd marry the same woman all over again. Now who's afraid of commitment?
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So what about me?
I'd be lying if I said that I'm not the type that wants to settle down and have oodles of kids. And I do agree with the article. My problem, which I realized a couple months ago, is that I'm SUPER picky. There have been a handful of "potential" girls that have caught my fancy, but never enough for me to take that extra step and say "Hey baby, you're pretty, let's date! EESO SHEEM-PO!"
I used to think that maybe I'm not attractive enough or that I lacked something that girls look for, but in hindsight, the truth is that I just let all the girls in my life slip by thinking that there's bound to be a better one to come along. That's not to say that I've never been smitten. I've had my share of those too.
At this moment, there is a lady, whom the very sight, or even smell of her, just melts my heart. She's the type that makes me excited to get out of bed in the morning. The type that would compel me to jump in front of a moving vehicle if it meant that she would spend a day with me in the hospital. And that leads me to my other problem. Whenever I meet a girl whom I think would make a good sig-O, I tense up and can't relax around her. I can't take it easy. And when I try to tell her how I feel, it always comes out wrong because I'm such a wreck when I finally get up the nerve, and she ends up thinking I'm a psychopath and stops returning my phone calls. Make no mistake, when I fall for somebody, I fall - hard... On my face to be exact.
So what will I do with this girl? Take it slow I guess. Pick the right time to tell her? Who knows. Maybe I'll wait until we're both drunk, and I'll be brave enough to tell her without messing it up, and then she won't remember what I said the next day - nor will I. Yeah, good idea.
